A Heart for A Heart: Rewritten
by BoxOfTrinkets
Summary: Freddie watches helplessly as the girl he loves is destroyed by her own choices. Same story, just better
1. Prologue

I loved her more than anything in the world. She was my whole life. She was my everything. She kept me breathing. She made me feel alive. She gave me a rush that became like my drug. I ached for her and I loved her. I had always loved her. I only wished I had told her sooner. So I could have had her for longer. So I could have stopped it from happening. So I could have saved her when I had the chance. I saw it happening. I knew what she was going through. I didn't want to believe it. She always seemed so unbreakable. But she was too fragile for this world. I loved her. I should have done something when I first began to see it. I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it. I hate myself. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive. I cant be alive any more. Not while she's not.

I need her.

Fredward Benson.

March. 2010

* * *

hi, lizzie here,

Yes this does look familiar lol i'm re-writing this story, but i'm leaving this up to you. The re-write will have more chapters, more body, more detail and go slower, i know the first attempt was a bit rushed, BUT if you my lovely readers want to me to leave well enough alone, and not bother, just let me know and i'll yank it:) but tell me please.

I less than three you all

lizzie. boxoftrinkets


	2. A Different Manner of Speaking

__

The creak of someone else's door. The soothing whisper of one of the nurses. Its quiet. Its always quiet here. I don't like that its quiet. I like the noise. Some one else screaming, someone else crying. Someone else lost in their own fucking memories. It makes me focus on something else. Makes me think about something else. Not like the quiet. I can hear everything in the quiet.

_My voice._

_Her voice._

_His voice._

_Carly._

_Carly asking me_…

* * *

"What do you want to watch?" She looks at me for an answer, her eyes wide and expectant as she scoots minutely closer so her thigh rests against mine. Her latest MO for getting my attention, constant contact. Instead of the answer she wants, I give a noncommittal shrug, scooting closer away from her and earning myself a pout and she leans forward to look around me to Sam, curled up on herself in the chair across the room, completely absorbed in her phone.

"What do you want to watch Sam?" She asks, pouting again when she was further ignored by the blond. "Yo Puckett!" She tried again, throwing the pillow behind her head at her, hitting her in the face and snapping her out of her reverie. She glared at me and snatched up the pillow, throwing it back at me too fast for me to catch and I end up with a face full of spray paint scented polyester.

"I didn't even throw it!" I huff, not throwing back the pillow, not wanting to give her more ammunition to throw at me.

"Yeah but your face irritates me." She throws me a lopsided grin that I firmly tell myself does _not _make my heart skip and I send my best scowl at her.

"Yeah cause seeing your face just makes my day." I say, smirking as she throws me a dirty look as she finally closes her damn phone and straightens up, clearly winding herself up for an argument. "Oh Benson-"

"Okay who wants lemonade!" Carly's overly bright chirp cuts her off and she stands, her fluorescent smile back in place as she straightens her skirt and bounces off to the kitchen. I watch her go and try my hardest not to roll my eyes. Another new Carly strategy, she doesn't let me and Sam argue anymore. I overheard her whining to Spencer that it was our way of flirting. I nearly laughed. If I wanted to flirt with Sam, then I would. I fought with her because it was fun.

"I don't want any if its your disgusting special lemonade!" Sam called, standing up and flopping next to me on the couch in Carly's vacated seat.

"No Spencer made it, don't worry" Carly called from the kitchen, her voice reproachful. I knew she couldn't see us from where she was and I turned to the blonde next to me, thumping the side of her head.

"So who had your attention so much that you couldn't exercise your dominance over the remote." I ask, smirking at her.

She grins back, knowing that since Carly was busy she could speak freely. "Well wouldn't you like to know huh?" She pokes the tip of my nose with her finger. "Jealous, are we, Fredwad?"

"Oh so jealous." I say sarcastically, earning a snort from her as i playfully reached for her phone. "You know I'm the only one your allowed to talk to."

"Eat me Fredward." She laughed, holding her phone out of my reach.

I liked her like this, playful rather than the violent girl I was used to. As of late we had fallen into this manner of speaking, fighting and snapping at each other in front of Carly and speaking like this when she wasn't around, in a manner I would almost label as flirtatious. I knew it bugged Carly and I knew she was watching us because in all honesty it does not take that long to get lemonade.

But I couldn't really bring myself to care that it bothered Carly. After we had broken up she seemed became outlandishly clingy and whiny, like she had made it her personal mission to get me back. To be honest it was really annoying, especially since I had long since come to the realization that I wasn't in love with the girl in the kitchen, but the blonde on the couch next to me who was in the process of poking the side of my head.

"Benson, Fredwad, Fredduchini!" She giggled with each nickname and I grinned, forgetting my previous question about who she was texting and reaching up to catch her finger.

"Lemonade!" Carly said loudly, suddenly appearing right in front of us, her smile so wide it looked painful and her hands full of three glasses of innocent enough looking liquid. "Scoot."

I exchange a quick look with Sam before obediently scooting away from each other, neither of us wanting to make Carly's face tear if she tried to smile any wider, which had become her new way of panicking. Carly's smile became more relaxed and she steeled herself in between us, handing us our lemonade and throwing an arm over each of us.

"How fun, were getting along." She says almost pointedly. "what shall we watch?"

Sam snatched up the remote and changed the channel, leaving it on one of the insipid programs on MTV before declaring there was too much love on the couch and she peeled herself out of Carly's grip, retreating back to her chair, thumping my forehead on the way for good measure. Carly watches her go, her arm still around my shoulders and she picks up the remote, scooting closer to me and pretending not to notice me shrugging to get her off of me.

"Sam I hate this show." Carly whines, changing it again and looking back at Sam when she got no answer. "Sam?"

I followed Carly's head and saw that Sam had once again lost herself in her phone, texting and ignoring us as she watched her screen light up with a goofy smile on her face.

* * *

_I watch, almost bored as they walk someone past my room, their head drawn and their hands shaking. Now that I think back to it I remember not thinking too much about who she was texting, too preoccupied as I was with getting Carly to leave me alone. I think that's where the self loathing bullshit my doctors always talking about started to kick in, when I realized that I could have prevented the entire thing if I had any idea who she was texting._

_Someone down the hall begins to scream and I almost smile. The quiet is broken and the noise is back. I like the noise. I cant hear anything in the noise._

_Not her voice. _

_Not my thoughts. _

_Nothing. _

* * *

how am i doing so far? i know nothing happened yet but im trying to develop my characters a bit more in this version, and control the pace better so bear with me.

also, for those of you lovely people who have read the original and know how this story goes, should i keep it rated T and as vague as the first one, or REALLY milk it and make it an M? you tell me:)

lizzie


	3. A Moment of Stupidity

_Someone down the hall is still screaming. Its getting closer, like they're bringing him past my room for thier doctors visit. My door opens and I look up. It's my nurse. I love my __nurse. I don't know her name but I don't care. She's beautiful, with __her long blonde curls and wide blue eyes. I don't know her name because i never asked, and __because I don't think I could handle it if it turned out to be __something different._

_She smiles her beautiful smile and hands me my pills. I love these __pills. They're wonderful, they make me hurt less. But I don't want __them today. I want to feel today. I put them in my mouth and drink the __water she hands me. They taste like sugar._

_I show her my teeth like a good boy and she smiles, ruffling what's __left of my hair before leaving and I spit out the pills under my __tongue and shove them under my mattress._

_Today I want to feel._

* * *

"Okay so now there's this one," Carly explains, holding up a pink tube of sparkling gel. "And it tastes like candy, or there's this one, and it doesn't taste like anything but it smells really good, or this one-"

I zone out as she pulls yet another tube of lip gloss from her locker and goes on to explain the pros and cons of each one. I'm chewing on my lip, debating whether or not to tell her that I really don't give a flying fuck what the hell kind of lip gloss she wears for the walk home when a hand waves in front of my face.

"Hmm?" I say, looking back up at Carly.

"Which one?" she asks, her million watt smile never faltering.

"That last one you mentioned." I say, not bothering to hide how bored I was and with no idea which lip gloss choice I just selected for her.

"Cherry? Really?" She asks before slathering the nauseating looking liquid on her mouth with out waiting for an answer to her question. I hate that Carly wears lip gloss, it looks like she's drooling and its really distracting when you're trying to talk to her. I watch her continue to coat her lips and think idly how I love that all Sam wears is chap stick, and how kissing her was and would be soft, and her taste subtle, and not taste like a mouth full of cherry goo. I think back to my few kisses with Carly and try to remember if they were ever gooey.

"Freddie?" The call of my name snaps me back to the present and I raise an eyebrow at Carly. "Why you looking all spacey?" Her expression goes sly. "What are you thinking about?"

Her tone is pregnant with suggestion and I try not to gag with the hopeful desperation I hear in her voice. I shake my head vaguely. "Why are we still even here? School ended half an hour ago." I check my pear phone. Forty five minutes ago really but I know Carly isn't paying attention to the time.

Carly's face falls and she turns back her mirror looking crestfallen. "We're waiting for Sam remember?"

Oh that's right. Sam. Where was she?

"Where is she?" I ask Carly, smirking lightly as I watch a ripple of annoyance cross her features like it does every time I have any interaction with Sam that doesn't involve me getting injured before the annoyance melts into confusion and she turns around to survey the nearly empty hallway.

"I don't know," She chirps, suddenly in her peppy mood again. "Maybe she's in detention?"

Before I could answer the object of our strained conversation comes into view, in the company of none other than Rocky Everett.

Rocky Everett was possibly the scariest senior at Ridgeway. He was an intimidating six four, two hundred pounds of pure muscle and facial hair. He hung out with Joslyn and the rest of the kids who looked like they had been injected with enough steroids to kill an elephant and cut half his classes to smoke outside in clear view of Principal Franklins office. He was suspended last semester when he totaled a vending machine after showing up to school completely wasted and he had a rumored rape conviction from back when he was fifteen.

But for some reason the girls at Ridgeway couldn't get enough of him. So far he had dated half the cheerleading squad and he was a regular topic whenever Sam and Carly had thier usual boy talking sessions. On more than one occasion I had tried to point out what a creep he was but they insisted that the bad boy vibe just added to his allure.

Girls are idiots.

Speaking of idiots,

"Oh my god, it's Rocky Everett." Carly whispered frantically, turning around to fix her hair quickly before spinning back around to greet them.

It took everything I had not to roll my eyes.

"Hi Sam, hi Rocky." she says somewhat breathlessly.

"Hey Carls. Fredweenie." Sam says, throws me a smile that I don't return.

"Rocky." I state as greeting, trying my hardest to sound intimidating.

"Benson." he growls uninterestedly.

Carly throws me a dirty look before flashing Sam and Rocky her teeth again. "what's up?"

"Not much, me and Rocky got busted making fart noises whenever Mr. Henning bent over so he gave us detention for like half an hour." Sam sounds just as breathless as Carly, her eyes sparkle irritatingly as she stares up at him. Another reason Rocky's an idiot; he was eighteen and still took sophomore classes. I want to slap her, if not just to get her attention.

Carly giggles. "That's so funny." she looks at Sam and they grin at each other. "He's so funny."

Ugh.

"Well I gotta bounce." Rocky mumbles."See you round."

"See ya." Sam called, watching Rocky swagger down the hall before turning back to Carly and grasping her hands and squealing girlishly.

Again. Ugh.

She smiles again and turns to me, tilting her head and raising an eyebrow silently, sending me a lopsided grin and I know what she's saying.

_Jealous, are we? _

Unbe-fucking-lievable. She was trying to play our game right after practically coming just from the proximity of Señor Muscles. I suddenly decide that's it's none of her fucking business if I am jealous and I scowl, shoving myself off of the locker next to Carly's and begin to walk upwards the doors, not bothering to wait for her or Carly.

I see her face fall for all of a second before I turn around and Carly slams her locker and she shake her head, dislodging her hurt look as she remembers she's not supposed to play our game in front of Carly.

She readopts her grin and turns to continue her incessant babbling with Carly, neither of them acknowledging me as I storm ahead of them.

* * *

_I really should have caught on that day. It really didnt come as a surprise that it had been him who she was texting the day before. But instead of doing something like any intelligent human would do, I stood there and pouted in jealousy like the idiot i was._

_Sometimes I still cant believe I let this happen._

_I still can't believe she's gone._

_I frown in confusion as my room begins to spin and the world is becoming slow and sleepy and easier to handle and the pain is leaving. I frown. I check __the water cup next to my bed._

_There's a filmy residue at the bottom and I almost laugh. Sugar pills and medicated water. They really know me too well._

_I don't care though as I look up and through my foggy vision I see my beautiful __nurse smiling at me through the bars on the window._

_I smile back right before I pass out. I'm done feeling for today._

hi:)so again let me know what you think of it so far:)i love reviews lol.

also if you think my language is a bit much let me know too, i know i am a bit...liberal with my profanites:)and if it is i'll change the rating, stilll dont know if its going to be an M or stay a T;)


	4. A Fatefull Decision

_I'm sitting in a cold and sterile room, my doctors office. My nurse is telling me off, gentle words of reprehension, applying some soothing liquid to the cut on my forehead, telling me its bad to bang my head on the wall of my cell, that I'm going to hurt myself._

_I tell her that's the point, she laughs and says I have a wonderful sense of humor, now lets see how my heartbeats doing._

_I let her, I don't even care if she doesn't take me seriously. I do anything she asks of me, if she wants me to stop banging my head then I'll stop. I do whatever she asks of me, because I love her and she's beautiful and she looks like-maybe if I'm good enough I'll get what I want._

_I nod when she asks if I'm doing okay today. I don't want the pills they give you when you say no._

_I'm never doing okay._

* * *

I didnt get to flirt with Sam on the way home. She went home right after we left and I went with Carly to Bushwell, trying to ignore how she tries to hold my hand the entire way. I manage to keep her talking and I feel slightly bad at how obvious my rejection tactics are. Yes she's still my friend but good god take a hint.

I didn't feel like going home when we got there and I certainly wasn't in the mood for a tick bath, so I went with Carly to her house.

Bad Idea.

Four hours later the day found me and Carly half dead with boredom on her couch, watching bad reruns of that idiotic girly cow show that she and Sam were so obsessed with. I personally found nothing humorous about it but then again I guess that's why it's called girly cow instead of funny cow.

Anyways.

"Bored." Carly moaned, throwing her arms over her eyes

"So bored." I moaned in response.

"Wonder what we can do…"She murmured suggestively, peeking out at me from under her arms. Knowing what was on her mind and inwardly wincing at how desperate she was coming off; I shot her a look and turned back to the cow prancing around in her dress. Carly pouted and went back to staring at the TV as well.

"there's nothing to do." I said, mostly to fill the silence.

"Well…"Carly started.

"No." I snapped at her.

"Freddie honestly-"

But before she could finish her retort, the front door banged open and a storm of blonde bounded into the room, all curls and smiles. Sam's face was flushed red with joy and cold and her bright blue eyes shone with excitement.

"CARLY!" she screamed as she leapt on the couch, accidentally kicking me in the chest, sending me tumbling to the floor.

"Carly, your never gonna guess what happened!" she squealed, grabbing Carly's shoulders and shaking her.

"What happened Sam?" Carly asked with a giggle, prying Sam's fingers off her shoulders.

"You kicked me in the chest?" I asked angrily, rubbing the sore spot on my chest where her sneaker had collided with me.

"Shut it Fred nub!" She snapped over her shoulder at me. I smirked at her. I really should have been tipped off that something bad had happened when she didn't smirk back. Instead she glared before turning back to Carly.

"Rocky Everett asked me out!" Sam shrieked, bouncing up and down on the couch.

"No way!" Carly clutched Sam's hands and they squealed girlishly

What?

I'm not sure how long I stood there like a moron, gaping at her with my mouth open in shock. Not that I was expecting a declaration of love from her or anything but I honestly though we had had something, but this-

And with Rocky fucking Everett of all god forsaken people.

Sam finally turned to me, a smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. "Ticks in your leg hair Fredwad?" She asked, like she knew exactly why I was so bugged.

I stared at her for another second before I scowled, debating whether or not to scream at her for leading me on or for being stupid enough to actually date the creepiest senior at Ridgeway.

"What did you say to him?" Carly demanded, tapping her shoulder violently to get her attention.

"I said yes!" Sam shrieked, turning back to Carly with her grin back in place.

"That's so cool!" Carly squeaked.

"I know!" She screamed, falling backwards into Carly's lap.

"You cant go out with him! I shouted, finally finding my voice again, jumping up from the floor.

"And why not Fredweird?" She demanded, jumping off Carly's lap and thumping me on the forehead.

"OW!" I cried, rubbing my forehead.

Because I love you? Because he's a creep? Because I get really bad vibes from him and I really don't want you around some other boy?

"He's trouble Sam!" I say, though I've reiterated this point to her numerous times.

"Uh, Yeah! Why do you think he's so hot?" she asked, rolling her eyes at me.

I watched her in disbelief as she and Carly continued to squeal over Sam's news. I wanted to say something. Anything. To stop her from going out with that creep senior with the rumored rape conviction.

"But…" I started to protest again, but this time it was Carly who cut me off.

"Sam's a big girl and I'm sure she can take care of herself." She said, standing up and glaring at me over Sam's shoulder.

I stared at Carly this time in complete disbelief that she was willing to put her best friend in danger just so she would have a shot with me.

_Danger? What danger Benson?_

I didn't know. But I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him at all.

* * *

_There's blood running down my forehead. Its smearing on the wall in front of me. I didn't even feel it. I continue to bang my head on the wall even as it drips into my eyes and distorts the blankness I see in front of me._

_I'm a fucking idiot._

_I didn't even say anything to her. i left Carly's right afterwards because I just couldn't listen to that anymore. But I should have gone back. I should have gone back. Gone back and told her. Told her everything. But no. instead I sealed her fate and left her there to gab to Carly about her new boyfriend. I knew it wasn't gonna end well. I stood there in the hallway and fought the urge to turn back into Carly's apartment and grab her and shake her and yell at her that. I needed her. That she couldn't go out with him. To this day I continually bang my head against my cell wall and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot. My Sam. It was all my fault. _

_I bang my head harder, the cut on my head leaving a heart shaped smear on the wall._

_I almost smile. _

review just for lizzie?:)


	5. A Proposition

_I love my therapist._

_He's the only thing that makes me laugh these days, and he seems to think that its progress when I randomly giggle at something he says. He tells me I worry them when I don't talk, and the fact that I only talk to my nurse isn't going to help me._

_And that gets me giggling all over again. Nothing is going to help me._

_But I don't tell him that. I let him sit there and smirk at me from the back drop of his diplomas and I listen to him tell me what he thinks is wrong with me, and how I need to learn to let go of some things and to stop blaming myself, and to learn to keep living._

_I want to scream at him, to tell him that he's full of shit and I could give a flying fuck what he thinks of me, to tell him that he's wrong, and that learning to move on wont change a thing, that I'll still be stuck here and that I'll never have her back and how nothing, nothing I could do now can change it._

_But I don't. I lost the last therapist I screamed at, and I really needed a good laugh nowadays._

* * *

To say that the situation with Sam was annoying me would be a massive understatement. I never saw her anymore, and whenever I did see her she was wither draped over her new….boyfriend… ugh, or she was too busy gabbing to Carly about how amazing he was. I wasn't sure if I was crazy or just masochistic, but I found myself missing the abusive girl as well as the flirty girl who suddenly decided not to talk to me anymore.

It was seriously playing hell with my mood.

Yet I still couldn't bring myself to feel bad as Carly continued to get my attention. I had to give the poor girl some credit though she was persistent. I would blatantly ignore her at times, and as cruel as it was I still didn't feel bad.

Like today.

Sam never ate lunch with us anymore. Now she ate with Rocky and the rest of the Neanderthal Posse, so today, it was just me Carly and Gibby, Gibby happily debating whether to eat his carrots or chicken tots first and Carly nudging my arm in that charmingly annoying way of hers.

"Freddie?" She said, lightly tugging on the sleeve of my polo.

I didn't look up at her, keeping my gaze firmly on my coffee. "Hmmm."

"I've been thinking," She started slowly, her hand leaving my sleeve to toy with a strand of her hair, pushing it behind her ear in a manner meant to be seductive. I continued to study my coffee.

"Mmhmm." I said, prompting her along for the sole purpose that she wouldn't think I was ignoring her. Annoying as she was I didn't need her mad at me.

"You know, since Sam has a boyfriend," I followed her gaze across the small courtyard to where Sam was easily visible, nestled under Rocky's arm, her face tilted away slightly to avoid his cigarette smoke and her eyes flicking towards Joslyn to meet her challenging stare.

It made me sick.

"What do you think Freddie?" Carly asks out of nowhere, nudging my arm again.

I turn back to her, blushing as her eyes narrow and she realizes I have no idea what she's talking about. "What?" I say, ignoring her indignant huff.

"I was saying, that now since Sam has someone, maybe we can give, us, another shot." Carly smiles at me, the same smile she gives Spencer whenever she wants something. I'm not buying it.

"Carly please don't start." I say, trying to sound at least a little gentle so she wouldn't fly of her handle. She pouts, turning her head away to stare at her salad before she gives a frustrated little snort and turns back to me defiantly.

"Why not Freddie?" She pushes, staring at me as though she could make me look at her. I almost smile at the thought and she misinterprets it, scooting closer and running her hand up my arm. "you said we could try again when I was over the hero thing and," she reaches out, taking my chin and turning my face towards her before my head can catch up and shake her hand away. "I'm over it."

I stare at her for a second. I almost feel sorry for her. I remember a time when I would have fainted just from Carly's proximity, and I would have jumped at the chance to date her, but now, as she stared at me with her eager eyes and gooey lip gloss I suddenly feel sad. I just want my friend back, not this vapid girl who's only goal is to get into my pants. No thanks.

I realize I've been staring at her for too long now and I shake my head slightly. "Carly-"

I'm saved from answering her by the bell and suddenly I've never been more grateful to go to class. Carly's face drops and she looks back down at her salad.

"I'll see you later okay." I say with a smirk that I know will make her smile. She does and I feel a little bit better. She's still my friend after all.

"alright." she says, turning to pack what was left of her salad and standing, slinging her bag over her shoulder and walking away from me. I turn and watch as Sam stand and begin to lift her bag, only to have her hand yanked back by him. She turns, her brows furrowed in confusion and his mouth moves and he smiles, that slow _who loves ya baby _smile and she seems to melt, dropping her bag and resettling herself next to him.

Son of a bitch.

* * *

_I'm nice and let them handcuff me before walking me back to my room. Usually I like to fight them, make it nice and hard for them to restrain me until they call in my beautiful nurse and all she has to do is ask and she can walk me back to my room without a fight. But I don't today. I'm, too tired. Too tired of thinking, of remembering, of trying to keep in the screams and the hate._

_My therapist walks next to me, making stupid jokes and telling me that I need to talk to him if I want to get better. I stare at the floor, watching my bare feet move in front of me and I think about her, because the thought that she was once real is the only thing keeping me from dying where I stood._

_I'm quiet as they close my door and take off the handcuffs. I sit on my bed and stare at my therapists name tag as he smiles and says goodbye, and that he'll see me next week, and how he recommends that I get more sleep, I look tired._

_I recommend that he shuts the fuck up._


	6. A Bruise and A Lie

hi. so before anyone yells at me im so sorry this took so long:/ im in a bit of a slump, but i promise i wont make you all wait this long again.

* * *

_My mother came by to see me today.__It hurts me to see my mother. She doesn't look at me the same. I cant say I blame her. No one looks at me the same, except my nurse. But the security guards, my doctors, even the guy who lives down the hall from me all stare at me like I'm something dangerous._

_I suppose I am. But if I don't even have the will to breath I highly doubt they have anything to worry about. I don't bite._

_She didn't talk with me, she sort of talked around me, flitting from topic to topic, how Carly was doing even though I saw her every week, what a loser Spencer still was even though he was one of the few people who still talked to me like everything was alright, and how she was coping with living alone._

_I'm almost sorry. And I would tell her so._

_But the new drugs they gave me when I freaked out on my doctor have me so fucking high I cant even form a coherent sentence. Either way, I'm just glad she's here._

* * *

I was becoming increasingly bored with school, with life, with iCarly, with everything. I had honestly never realized how much of my excitement revolved around Sam and now that she was never around her absence was only adding to my boredom, if that made any sense. Sure I had Carly, but she was better for intellectual stimulation if anything, a decent conversation. I was used to living my life in constant fear that something was going to be thrown at my head, and now that the threat was gone my life had become increasingly dull.

Hilarious thing was my grades had never been better. Go fucking figure.

But my newly acquired strait A's aside, life sucked, so it was with a rather apathetic attitude that I ambled down the hall towards Carly's locker, her large algebra book swinging from my hand. In all honesty I had been putting off giving Carly her book back, cause that would have led to a "Freddie did my book help? Then a "Freddie we should study together." Then another "We should date."

Eh.

But my attitude took a hairpin turn around when I looked up and saw a sea of blonde curls obscuring my view of Carly's locker. I hadn't seen, or really spoken to Sam in about a week. I actually smiled.

"Hola Muchacha's." I said, stopping right behind Sam, thumping the back of her head lightly enough to get her attention.

Carly visibly started, smacking her gooey lips together and flashing me her million watt smile and tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Hi Freddie." She beamed. I had to remind myself that Carly was my friend and rolling my eyes at her would probably hurt her feelings.

"Yo Frednub." Sam answered, spinning around and offering me a lopsided smile.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't too happy with her, but damn that smile. I had to return it, giving her the smirk that made her smile stretch to a full grown grin and she raises a hand to play with the zipper on my hoodie.

"Haven't seen you around as of late Fredduchini." she said softly, her eyes taking a mischievous glint as she smiled up at me.

"Yeah, I wonder who's fault that is," I answer, ignoring Carly's death glare over Sam's shoulder and reaching out to take a stand of blonde hair to pull across her face, holding it above her mouth and below her nose like a mustache.

I admired her mustache for a second before I noticed it, the ever so slight discoloration of the skin around her left eye, heavily masked in that powder that Carly wears way too much of. I dropped her hair and ran my finger down over the skin, watching her eyes widen in what looked like panic.

"What happened?" I asked, all teasing gone from my voice. I was horrendously confused, I couldn't even begin to fathom what on earth could have survived a fight with Sam long enough to get a good shot to her eye.

She doesn't answer me, her fingers tightening on my sweater and her skin growing hotter under my touch. She drops her gaze, her eyes darted to the floor before she lifted them back up to me, as if she couldn't help herself. Though I was concerned, I couldn't help but admire her beauty as her lower lip trembled and twitched as though she was going to say something, but no sound came out. I raised an eyebrow and she swallowed. It took me a minute to grasp that she was flustered.

Ha. Just playing a game my ass. I fought back a smirk, not wanting to piss her off.

"She ran into a door." Carly cut in, slapping my hand away from Sam's face and stepping between me and Sam, seeming to finally have reached her limit and getting fed up with us "That's what she told me, that's what happened. Right Sam?" Carly's voice went high and hysterical towards the end. She turned and glared at Sam. "Right Sam?" She repeated almost forcefully, her tone of voice juxtaposed to the wide fake grin that was plastered across her face.

Sam blinked and shook her head slightly, seeming to come to her senses. "Yeah, a door." she scowled at me before reaching into Carly's locker and digging out her small bottle of hand sanitizer and rubbing some on the spot where my hand came into contact with her face. "Why'd you have to go and get your dork germs all over me?" she demanded sourly, throwing the sanitizer back into Carly's locker.

The tentative good mood that had managed to stick around slipped away as I met her eyes. I got it. Carly was here. And we couldn't play our game anymore if Carly was watching.

Fine.

I scowled back. "Well forgive me for caring Puckett." I spat at her, not meaning a word of it. She rolled her blue eyes at me and snorted sarcastically. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Carly smile softly to herself, happy that our moment was over and we were back to fighting. I kept my eyes on Sam though, waiting for the charade to pass and for her to look back at me.

She finally does, her eyes wide and almost pleading, the hint of apology in her eyes and she shook her head minutely.

_Not now._

I sighed, admitting defeat and handing Carly the book still in my hand. She took it with a smile, immediately proving me right and asking if I wanted to study with her after school.

I never got around to answering, but she seemed to take my silence as answer enough and she closes her locker, hitching up her bag over her shoulder and skipping ahead of us.

I sigh, pulling my jacket tighter around me as I watch Sam shove a beanie onto her head. She passed by me, keeping her eyes trained to the floor, her gloved hands in fists at her sides_._

I reach out and take the sleeve of her sweater, tugging her back. She doesn't look at me. I lift her chin with one finger, leaning down until I can see her eyes.

She shakes her head once again, tugging her sleeve away and hurrying off after Carly.

Fuck.

* * *

_Sam came to me in my dreams again last night. It took five doctors and my nurse to make me calm down once I woke up. I really hurt one of them too._

_I didn't even mind that I was strapped to my bed for the rest of the night so I wouldn't hurt myself. Maybe if I stay still my thoughts wont go anywhere, and she'll stay with me._

_No such luck. The tranquilizer was too strong, and I woke up the next morning with no recollection of my dream. _

* * *

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**~The CABAL~**

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	7. A Slap on the Hand

_I was actually surprised when Spencer came in to see me today. He usually accompanies Carly when she comes to see me on the weekend, but its rare that he comes to see me alone._

_I would have asked him why, but I was too happy to care, and I wasn't going to question anything that made me feel a different emotion every now and then._

_I like when Spencer comes in alone. Carly still talks to me but she's quieter, and always full of those damn apologies and as of late we haven't been able to see each other without fighting about something or her crying while I watched her, to devoid of emotion to care._

_But Spencer doesn't act like anything ever happened, which I'm extraordinarily grateful for. I'm more then happy to laugh at him about what happened at the store that day or geek out with him over his new phone or the new computer he got or listen to him talk about the new sculpture he's working on._

_Its nice to pretend._

* * *

I never got around to talking to her about it that day. We had iCarly rehearsal and she completely avoided me the entire time, though she seemed to have plenty of insults and names on hand whenever I tried to talk to her, making it painfully obvious that I wasn't to mention it.

Call me melodramatic and maybe I over reacted just a touch but I had every right as a friend to be worried when my best friend was dating a walking rape conviction, and I may or may not have taken to completely ignoring her.

I know I know I'm an idiot okay? Shut up.

But in all fairness she started it. Even after Carly wasn't in the room and I would try and say something she would just snap at me or glare or answer with an irritated "not now Freddie."

So fine.

If she doesn't want to talk to me then I won't talk to worked fairly well for the most part, I'd leave Carly's locker whenever Sam would show up, and if we were all hanging out at Carly's house I would pointedly direct all of my questions and comments to Carly, completely ignoring the stares from Sam that gradually progressed from indignant to hurt to defeated rather quickly.

The biggest downfall of this whole stupid plan was that Carly was practically salivating from all the extra attention, something that hadn't escaped Sam's attention and it wasn't until that damn bruise had almost faded from her face that she actually tried to talk to me.

I wasn't really in the mood for my mothers nattering so I bypassed my own apartment after school a week later and slipped into Carly's instead, not even sparing a second glance at Spencer in the corner, fighting with a mile of copper wire that was wrapped around him and the structure behind him.

"Hey Spencer." I said, dropping my bag and plopping down at the island and shaking the mouse to wake up the computer.

"Hey Freddie, glad to see you made it home safe." Spencer called over to me, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm in his voice. I smiled, knowing he didn't mean it. If Spencer didn't like me and Sam walking in and out like we lived here he wouldn't have given us keys.

"No place like home." I answered with a sickly sweet smile, earning myself a dirty look for my trouble before Spencer turned back to wrestling with the wire."Carly home?" I asked, knowing the answer already because she wasn't attached to my arm but asking anyways, knowing doing so would tell me how long I had before she got here.

"Not yet but I have a feeling the other one will be here any second now." Spencer finally detangled himself from the wire, throwing the pliers in his hand at the sculpture. " Copper demon."

I snickered at him and he smacked the back of my head, ducking my hand as I attempted to swat him back as he loped across the living room, snatching up his keys and shrugging on a coat. "I got to go get more wire, you going to be cool here till Carly gets here?"

"Cool. Yup." I answered shortly, swiveling around in the chair just in time to see Spencer open the door to reveal Sam, her key in her hand as though she was about to open the door.

I hated the fact that she could completely blow me off, not talk to me for a week, and still have the ability to make my mouth run dry just by walking into the room.

Her eyes immediately fell on me, lingering for a second with the slightest shadow of something I couldn't identify before she turned her gaze up at Spencer, raising a hand to tug his fringe before sidestepping him into the room.

"Hey Spence." she said, shrugging out her jacket and dropping it on the floor, running over to leap on the couch and immediately spread out, her head half off the couch and her foot over the back of it as she grinned up at Spencer. "Carly home?"

"No but everyone else is." Spencer said tiredly, but still looking at Sam fondly. "I'll be back. Don't kill Freddie alright?" He sent me a mock salute and left, leaving the room irritatingly quiet.

I didn't immediately look back at her. I heard her shift on the couch but I finished checking my email, iCarly stats and my SplashFace page before sighing and shutting off the computer, swiveling around the chair and finally looking at her.

She had shifted so she sat straight on the couch, her hands in her lap and her head down, letting her hair cascade down one shoulder, hiding her face from me. I knew she was upset, more upset than usual, because she wasn't talking to me. Normally she would be throwing everything she could reach at my head, vying valiantly for my attention, but now she was quiet, subdued, defeated.

I watched her for a couple of seconds before sighing, slipping off the chair and moving over to the couch, sitting down next to her and looked at her. She didn't look up at me, and I knew addressing the issue would end up with something getting thrown at my head, and I really wanted to avoid that, so instead I sought refuge in the familiar safety of humor.

Knowing the action could go either one of two ways, one being she relaxes and talks to me and the other being my arm getting ripped off, I draped an arm over her, pulling her close to me by her waist and nudging her temple with my nose like I used to when I wanted her attention but couldn't talk with Carly there.

"Saaaaam." I sang under my breath, pulling her closer when I saw I tiny smile tug at the corner of her mouth. " Saaaaam."

"What Freddie?" she finally responded, her tone still harsh despite the fact that she relaxed against me, leaning her head back on my shoulder and shifting so my hand rested on her stomach.

"Why wont you talk to me?" I sang again, nuzzling my nose in her hair, earning a bigger smile as her hand came up to toy with the sleeve of my sweater.

"Cause you're a dick." She answered, grinning easily now and swatting at my head.

I scoffed at her, reaching up to pull a strand of blonde hair on my shoulder. "Uh no. I'm your best friend."

She scoffed at me this time, sitting up and facing me, the grin still playing on her mouth. I searched her face carefully, though it seemed relatively untouched, the bruise on her eye already mostly faded.

"Uh no, you're nosy." She said, holding out her hands with the palms up, inviting me to lay my hands over hers.

I hated this game, cause I always ended up with sore hands, but I felt I owed her, I had been ignoring her after all.

So I acquiesced, placing my hands over hers and keeping my eyes trained on her.

"What, I have no right to wonder what on earth would have managed to get a good shot at your face?" I asked, deciding not to sugar coat it.

I was rewarded with narrowed eyes as she pulled her hands out under mine to slap my hands fully across their backs, leaving them red and making my yelp.

"No, you just shouldn't have said anything in front of Carly." she said, scowling as my hands pulled away right before she could hit them. I looked at her, eyebrow raised in challenge and she smiled, laying her hands over mine this time.

"Why?" I asked, jerking my hands to scare her before waiting for her to replace her hands and slapping them lightly.

"Because you know how Carly is." She said, jerking her hands away nervously. "She wants to know everything and, plus how dare I steal your attention away from her." She said sarcastically, moving a hand to pinch my cheek.

I moved away, swatting at her hand. "Don't even start." I grinned. "What did you run into though, really?"

"A door." She said immediately, finally managing to move her hands away before I could hit them.

"A door with a fist?" I asked cheekily, not seeing her hand until she had slapped me lightly around my face. I laughed, I had it coming.

"No, just a regular one." she said, running the back of her hand down my cheek soothingly, a silent apology for the slap.

"Lies." I said poking the tip of her nose, earning a giggle.

"Truths!" She said, pushing me slightly.

I opened my mouth to argue, but at that moment the door banged open and Carly flounced in and at the same moment Sam shoved me away from her and off the couch, making me land badly on my ass and she smirked down at me before turning to meet Carly's confused stare.

I sighed. I wasn't going to get anything else out of her today.

* * *

_I was sad to see Spencer go. I never had decent company these days, my nurse was usually to busy to talk, my therapist was a dick and my mother. Was my mother I guess._

_He never said anything about it when he left. He usually just smiled, shook my hand and left, telling me he would see me later, and to stay cool._

_I was in a relatively good mood for the rest of the day. I stayed on my best behavior for my doctors, smiled at my therapist. Took my medicine._

_I sighed quietly, staring at the door Spencer disappeared through, wishing more than anything I could follow him, back home, back to my old life._

_Back to her._

* * *

Hi:) sorry this took like a month and its mostly filler, but still:)its cute. More to come I promise and do tell me how im doing so far:)


	8. Missed Opportunities

_They let me out of my room today._

_I'm never allowed out of my room except for doctors visits. I'm constantly under the heaviest supervision possible. So I was fucking surprised when they said it had been a year, and I hadn't had a melt down in a few months. Some sunshine would do me good._

_They didn't tell me this until I was already outside. The now foreign feeling of the sun combined with the sudden knowledge that it had been a year, that I had been here for a fucking year-_

_I completely blew my record for no freak outs._

_They doubled my medication and I'm not allowed outside without the handcuffs anymore. But its okay. They told me that both my wrists and the security guard would recover._

* * *

So, surprise surprise I never found out what made that bruise on her face, but its not like it really mattered in the long run, she seemed to avoid me like that plague after that, and it wasn't until it had completely faded away that she made any conscious effort not to bolt when I came around her.

It was a Friday afternoon, Carly was no where to be seen and it was freezing outside, so I went back in from where I had been waiting on the front steps of the school for her to show up so I could call my mother. The halls were mostly deserted, kids had long gone home by now or were still locked away in their after school programs.

I turned down the hallway close to the door, figuring I would just sit by Carly's locker until she showed up, too annoyed already to care about how she'd misinterpret that action. I was somewhat surprised to see that my destined spot on the floor by Carly's locker was already taken. She never rode home with us anymore, she usually ended up leaving during last period with Rocky in his fucked up red pickup truck. I never even got to say bye to her at the end of the day, and if I did, it was usually the only contact I had with her for the day.

Sam was curled up on herself, lost in a huge sweater with her head leaning back against the locker behind her, her eyes closed and her breathing heavy. I knew she wasn't asleep because she sleeps with her mouth open, but I was still wary of interrupting her. She had been the one ignoring me this time, and if she really didn't want to talk to me, I had suffered enough physical and emotional pain to know I would lose if I wanted to start that argument.

But before I could think about turning around and facing the freezing wind outside she moved, her eyes opening and her head turning to look at me, something unrecognizable shining in her eyes before she blinked and it vanished, instantly replaced by a look that spoke clearly of fatigue.

"Fredwad?" she asked quietly, tilting her head.

"Hey Sam." I said, still testing the waters. I wasn't sure how thin the ice I was currently standing on was. "What are you doing here, you're usually gone by now."

She blinked at me again, her mouth twisting into a frown for a second before she sighed, sounding more tired than ever. "Yeah I guess I am." She whispered. She sat up fully, shook her head and reached over to move her backpack from where it had been haphazardly dropped next to her. Recognizing the unspoken gesture, I moved over to her, dropping my own backpack and sitting down next to her. Immediately she leaned against me, leaning her head on my shoulder and shocking the hell out of me. I didn't let it show though, I moved with her, turning slightly so her back was to my chest and I leaned against the wall next to Gibby's locker.

"So why didn't you go with him today?" I asked quietly once she got herself situated. I hated saying his name. I hated him, and for some reason whenever Carly would talk to her about him she would grow quiet and distant before changing the subject, so despite the fact that he was never mentioned I knew it was a subject to tiptoe around.

I couldn't see her face, but I heard her swallow heavily before I felt her shoulder raise slightly and drop against my chest. "I just didn't." She answered simply. I could immediately tell she didn't want to talk about it. She was only this elusive whenever she really wanted the subject changed.

She further enforced this theory and proceeded to shock the hell out of me yet a fucking gain when she leaned her head back onto my shoulder, the soft skin of her cheek coming to rest against mine as she turned and nuzzled the side of my head. "I missed you." She whispered.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I had, absolutely no fucking way to respond to this. I couldn't tell if she was being honest or if she was just really desperate to get the subject off of her psycho boyfriend. But either way she freaked the hell out of me.

"You were the one ignoring me." I reminded her, keeping my voice soft so she would know I wasn't upset with her.

She didn't answer me right away. She kept her face against mine, letting her nose nuzzle my jaw every now and again. I was about four seconds away from having a fucking meltdown. Not that I was complaining about her proximity or anything but something was obviously up, and I wasn't going to let her go that easily.

"Did you guys get in a fight?" I strained to keep my voice neutral, knowing she wouldn't react well to any aggression no matter how demure she was coming off as for no fucking reason.

She moved her face away from mine, leaning away and off of my chest so she could turn and look at me fully. Her eyes were clouded, almost glazed over, like she wasn't focused on me. Her face was clear though, the last remnants of her bruise having faded off her face. She bit her lower lip, the movement slightly distracting me before she shook her head, her eyes dropping back down to somewhere around my collarbone as she avoided my eyes. She shook her head slightly. "No we didn't."

I nodded, noting how her eyes followed the movement slightly. She seemed closer. I could clearly see the tiny freckles she insists she doesn't have dancing across her nose.

"How is everything with you guys?" I asked, not really knowing why I was still talking. My mind was reeling and my heart was racing, though I was incapable of moving as she repeated her earlier motion, nodding minutely, the movement not even enough to rustle her hair as she moved another inch closer. I could smell the mint on her breath that I knew came from gum that she had stolen out of my bag a week earlier.

"He's not being mean to you?" I didn't hear myself ask that question, it kind of just came out.

She nodded again. She was way too fucking close now, I could see every single one of her white blonde eyelashes.

My throat was dry, and my head was pounding with my heartbeat. I couldn't form a coherent thought, much less continue to voice my concern over her and her extra fucking ordinarily erratic behavior.

"I'm fine." She whispered, her mouth suddenly a centimeter away from mine, I could practically fucking taste her and at that second all thoughts of Rocky upped and left my head along with all sense of reason as my hand came up, reaching to push a strand of hair behind her hair and lean forward-

Then she was gone. Away from me and back to her spot a foot away, leaning casually and flipping through her purple phone that I didn't even see her pull out. I was about to say something indignant, confusion swimming through me before I heard the ominous clicking of heels approaching us. I didn't even have to look around to know it was Carly. Carly with her fucking heels and Carly with her sugary sweet voice and Carly with her mega bright smile that I really wanted to slap off of her.

My heart was still pounding in my ears. I wasn't really paying attention anymore. I was lost in my thoughts as I took the offered hands held out to me. I wasn't sure who's they were. But whoever they were I followed them out of the school, the incessant nattering of Carly still playing in the back of my head as my nose was still filled with the scent of my own gum.

* * *

_Its not mean that whenever Carly comes to see me and I don't want to talk to her I just have to bring this up to make her cry? No? its not mean right?_

_You're right. It's not mean._

_Is it? No?_

_Oh okay. As long as you say so._


End file.
